Grief and Resilence at the CA Women's Conference

Elizabeth Edwards was one of the speakers at the Lunch Breakout at the CA Women's Conference hosted by CA First Lady Maria Shriver.

This session was about grief, healing, and resilience.

I thank Indyvoter for this wonderful h/t.

http://www.californiawomen.org/the-womens-conference-2009/lunch. It's about 1 hour and 41 minutes before one sees the Grief panel.

One Carolina Girl found the pic above. This is a powerful emotive group. Elizabeth is maintaining composure, but it's clear she is totally empathetic. She's right about the triggers, you never know when you have them. Gifts are great.

Thank you First Lady Maria S. I understand about the recent loss of your mother; it happened to me over 6 months ago.

Unlike Susan St. James who lost her son, the man who wrote to her with the comment, "I know what you are feeling, I lost my dog recently" this was an initial thought. She made a small joke about it, and the joke wasn't totally unfeeling, but Elizabeth was right to point out that not everyone means to say the wrong thing. Usually they mean well even if it's not what you expected.

Grief is not all about the human losing a human experience, Ms. St. James. It is about losing family members. I'm mourning the loss of our beloved girls, Sydney and Mattie, our Aussie Shepherds, who went to Rainbow Bridge 50 weeks apart in the last year. They were family too. I'm hoping Ms.St James will pay heed to EE in her words of being sensitive to many of us, even if we were human parents to pets. Many of us loved being humans of pets whom we loved them. And spent thousands or hundreds of dollars to save them when they were stricken with diseases challenging to fight. Many of us didn't want to give up our pets and ran bills to our plights.

We had to sacrifice $405 to get our Sydney diagnosed, and she expired 2 days later. But it was worth knowing what could happen, and our vet was pretty much on the mark. It was a challenging on our budget of mainly from one income, but we wanted our options for our Syd. I will not accept from anyone that pets aren't as acceptable as humans. Just my opinion.

Please, grief is about humans and our pets.

Resilence: Another Family's Story

This afternoon, Mr. Benny and I had to make a visit to our veterinarian. Our remaining Aussie Shepherd, Sydney, was low in spirits, would not eat, and had trouble getting up. Her symptoms appeared similar to her sister, Mattie, who went to Rainbow Bridge on October 30, 2008.

We had thought the worst and had expected to help transition Syd as we did with her sister to Rainbow Bridge. However, Syd rebounded yesterday afternoon. She ate some dog food out of a can and she was able to walk a bit better last night. Her spirits and face looked less sad. It was as though Syd knew we weren't ready for her to go; she didn't wish to disappoint us as she knew how much we love her.

While I wish the latter were true, we had some tests run on Syd. Her blood platelet count was exceedingly low, but the rest of the blood levels were fine. However, the x-rays revealed some mitochondrial looking cells around her spleen, lungs, and near her main artery. Her lungs looked compromised. I don't recall what the technical terms are called, but to simplify for BW readers, she likely has two forms of cancer, one benign, the other probably malignant. She has arthritis too in her back, but luckily, we had already started giving her vitamin supplements for it, and it's not quite as bad as it was for Mattie last year.

BW readers remember all too painfully about Elizabeth when her cancer returned with a vengence; this time, there would be no cure. She would have to take meds on a regular basis. We know from interviews and other sources (such as the book Resilence) that Elizabeth gets transfusions in addition to her daily tablet.

And if that weren't enough, her family suffered some other set backs. I read another story in the LA Times this evening about the awkward moments in a restaurant recently. Must be hard on the children, although Elizabeth is still considered popular in the area.

Benny's real world outside of this blog has experienced some setbacks as well. We lost Mattie 50 weeks ago. My momma died 6 months ago. Mr. Benny is now unemployed and while he gets some interviews, more places in his field are pulling the positions, or the HR departments are so sloppy in their "no thanks" responses. Some places haven't offered to pay for his mileage or for a meal in return for driving many hours for the one hour interview. Times have been tough for him. It's demoralizing at times.

Yours truly has taken on extra interim work where I am employed. I receive a stipend for it, albeit I've not seen it yet in my paycheck. Our work place is so stretched that it's hard to get all of the administrative tasks done in a timely manner. I don't make it a habit to talk about my work here, so I won't tell you what I'm doing. But I will say that I'm hoping the experience will pay off on my long term plans of moving ahead in my career. The stipend, when I see it, will be helpful in supporting my family.

I think it would not be wise to put myself in Elizabeth's and JRE's shoes because our situation is very different. Elizabeth and John live a relatively comfortable life. She gets the best health care money can buy (although she wishes for a Medicare option for anyone as I do). Mr. Benny is now on my health insurance, but we have to watch very carefully how it is used. Mr. Benny has make 5 contacts a week to earn his unemployment check. No one in the Edwards family has have to work, although Elizabeth chose to open a part-time furniture store just to leave a legacy for her children to remember. But what Elizabeth's family and my family have in common is that we will continue in the long term to be resilient. We will have more valleys than peaks for the months to come, but we welcome the peaks when they arise.

And in living with Syd's cancer, we were given two options: we could get an ultrasound to confirm, but we also were told that even if Syd would be operated on, she is at high risk for expiring on the operating table in problems with anesthesia. Her tests today were $405. We know we can't afford surgery for her, but even if we could, her survival rate wouldn't be much more than she has in just living with the condition.

Sydney was resilient today. She was happy, went for a short walk, and she had a good appetite this evening. She will continue to have collapses as she did last weekend where she may rebound but each time, the recovery time will take longer--or she may just finally go in her sleep. The vet said she may live a few more weeks or even months, or she may have another relapse in the next days. However, Mr. Benny and I decided not to go forward on other procedures for Syd. We will live each day with her (and for that matter, Elmora, who is afflicted with feline hyperthyroidism, but holding her own at the moment) as though it is another gift from the universe.

We thank all of the BW readers for their positive thoughts and prayers, and ask that you continue to send them as Syd moves through the last days of her earth journey. You are welcome to submit your thoughts in the comments section, even it is a struggle you are experiencing and would like prayers from us.

Blessed be.
Update: Let it Be:

Elizabeth Edwards at Quail Ridge Books

Elizabeth gave a reading of her book a couple of weeks ago. BW reader Cherbium pointed to this video on the Huffington Post. She gets the credit for finding this gem.



Elizabeth is funny and engaging.

Always Good to Hear from the Resilient Elizabeth Edwards

I found a podcast from a phone conversation between Elizabeth and Deborah Kotz of US News and World Report. It was released today.

If you prefer to read excerpts, you can go here.

Hearing Elizabeth always heartens me about her strength.

Elizabeth Edwards at the National Press Club

After being on Tweety's show last night, Elizabeth Edwards went over to the Willard Hotel to address the National Press Club. About 300 attended this sold-out event.

According to the NPC web site, Elizabeth read from chapter one of Resilience about her father and his determination to live and walk again.

Not certain what questions were asked, but she also spoke about "motherhood, about how she always chose family first over her career as an attorney, about her breast cancer and how she is best using her time in the face of a terminal diagnosis."

Nice way to end the media blitz.

(photo credit: Kyle McKinnon)

Diane Rehm Rocks

Diane Rehm may be the exception to any suggestions to EE that I have offered on this blog about women interviewers; Diane Rehm is solid, asking questions about areas others have covered, but less so in a pointed way.

Interview: http://wamu.org/audio/dr/09/05/r2090521-26155.asx

It's clear that EE is comfortable with her, and I'm glad. Elizabeth shines on her own, but she can speak the truth with Diane.

Awesome interview.

Thanks, Diane, you seem to get it about marriage and personal tribulations.

Please listen to the interview: it's worth the time.

Update: here's the video clip of the interview with Chris Matthews. Matthews had a very different take; more about JRE as a political candidate.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036697/#30875054

Another Soured Reporter on the Bus

Who didn't get an exclusive with Elizabeth Edwards. One of the exceptions I will link here as I think many BW readers will see this People correspondent as sour grapes.

Good luck trashing another woman in terminal cancer, chick. Get over it, otherwise. That person would do anything to get the sordid details, but not respect Elizabeth's openness otherwise. Bet that person wishes life and stories plopped her direction, but...guess what, it's not all about that correspondent, as much as she is trying to make it to be about her.

The women interviewers (barring last weekend on Today Weekend) have been the worst about Elizabeth's opinions. They have attacked her mercilessly because I think they are po'd at themselves about similar situations, but take it out on EE.

It's no wonder why I have more male friends than women, but I do have some special women friends from meeting JRE and EE. And always will.

Elizabeth Edwards on Countdown

Here's the video clip of Keith Olbermann's interview of EE. I'm certain that HuffPo won't be running this story, unlike the sensationalist "The View".

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I'm convinced that Elizabeth is better off with male interviewers.

Interview of Elizabeth Edwards on Charlie Rose

Sorry, I missed this one.

http://www.charlierose.com/view/interview/10299

The View will interview EE tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'm concerned they will be like Oprah, too interested in the affair, rather than Elizabeth's gifts that she's brought to the table in her book. But surely, they could be no worse than Oprah.

Excerpt from Resilience

I'm going to lend a hand to Elizabeth Edwards' publicity team at Broadway Books. I saw this excerpt of Resilience online.

Chapter 1
1990

I stood at the sink in an impossibly bright hospital room washing my face, washing away the heat that, with the doctor’s words, had come rushing to my face and neck and chest to fill every pore, to gather in the corners of my eyes and to line my lips and thicken my tongue. “He will never walk, his brain is dead,” the doctor had said. It still burned. How much cold water would it take to take the hot sting out of those words?

My father lay immobile behind me, a crisp sheet folded neatly across his chest, the crease apparently to be forever perfect above his forever-still form. I had not been able to bear to see him like that any longer, so I had turned away and instead watched my own warped reflection in the metal mirror that seemed to mimic the distortions within me. The doctor’s words were all I could hear inside my head, but they were too immense, too life-changing to stay in my head. They spilled out and filled the room, bouncing back from the walls and the metal me in the mirror, and with every echo a new torment: He will not walk. His brain is dead. He will not walk. His brain is dead. . . . I kept cupping water to my face, unable to cool the heat but equally unable to stop trying.

The day before, this solid man who would be seventy in four days, who still had cannonballs for shoulders and the calf muscles of a twenty-fiveyear-old fullback, had fallen over while eating a salad for dinner. He had played tennis in the morning and had gone biking in the afternoon. He came in to dinner after planting spring flowers in the yard. Every minute of his day was a test of his body, a test he passed over and over again. And then, with no warning, a massive stroke, and he could not move from the floor. I was forty years old, and I had never seen him fail at a single physical thing he had tried to do. Not once in forty years.

I closed my eyes as I cupped the water, and the images of my well father, strong and full of life, gathered on top of one another. Eating a hot pepper from his garden in Naples and thinking it a green pepper, his face goes flush, tears fill his eyes, his glasses fog up, but he chews on. And then, grinning at his astonished family, he gets up and picks another. The awestruck faces of the enlisted men he commanded in Japan when he came out of the pool into which they had thrown him and, with his soaking wet flight suit clinging to him, they saw his supremely muscled form outlined. News that he had made captain had come in while he was on an early-morning flight, so when he stepped out of the jet in his flight suit, his squadron had rallied around him cheering and had thrown him into the pool in giddy celebration. I always suspected that the vision of him earned him a respect from those enlisted men that morning that the additional stripe on his sleeve would not have won him.

I had sat with him at Bethesda Naval Hospital when he had four discs in his spine fused, the final remedy two decades after his back was injured when the wheels on the jet he was getting ready to pilot collapsed beneath the plane on the tarmac. He should have been groggy and still in the hours after recovery, but he was smiling at everyone, and teasing the nurses by pretending to smoke an endless series of imaginary cigarettes. Within weeks, he was back on his bicycle, and within months, he was back on the tennis court. There was the time his nose was flattened in college in a football game. The doctors said it was so crushed that he could choose whatever shape he wanted since they were starting from scratch. So he chose the shape he had had before. And he took up lacrosse, and he was an all-American his first year. He used to lift women up—my mother and her friends—and twirl them head over heels like batons. Proper women in 1950s shirtwaists ignored the fact that their garter belts had been on display, and they giggled to be treated as girls again. He carried my brother, my sister, and me all at once on his wide shoulders upstairs to bed when we were youngsters as if we were stuffed animals. Now, impossibly, he lay dying behind me, unable to move, unable to speak.

The doctor had called us into the room to tell us. My sister sat with her arm around my mother. My brother sat holding our father’s hand. I stood at the foot of the bed, my eyes on my father’s still face, not on the doctor I had never seen before. Each of us cried, not in a wailing way, but in low, lonely moans. The doctor talked on about the effect of the stroke on the blood flow to his brain, and we each half-listened, for truthfully nothing after “his brain is dead” could penetrate. Tracks of silent tears covered all of our cheeks. When the doctor left, we all hugged one another, grieving our collective loss and our individual ones, then everyone else left the room. I had to tell my children, ten-year-old Wade and eight-year-old Cate, where they waited in the hall with their father. And I had to wash my face before I would tell them.

I could clean the tear tracks, but the heat would not go away. I gave up and turned to leave and face the children. As I turned, I looked again at my father, but now he was looking back. He was still immobile, his huge bulk still pinned beneath the tight sheets, but his eyes were open. Not just open but wide dishes of panic. He could not speak. And yet he did. We stood staring at one another—I haven’t any idea how long—and he said, or his eyes said, I am here. I am not dead. I am here. I want to live. I answered back in words. “Don’t worry,” I said. “We know. We are not giving up on you.” And I marched past my family to the nurses’ station and told them that that doctor was not allowed back into my father’s room under any circumstances.

This was April 18, 1990. We buried my father in April of 2008. Oh, his body kept failing him, little by little until the last of him slipped away eighteen years later. But in between he learned to drive again (in a fairly frightening fashion), and drove until his response time was demonstrably too slow and we could not let him drive any longer. He talked again, in an odd and sometimes inappropriately scatalogical way—“the boobs are boiling”—but still making people smile, until he no longer could talk easily, and losing confidence in his voice, he started talking again with his eyes. He danced with my mother for nearly a dozen more years. He never biked or played tennis again, but he traveled. He went to Poland and Spain, he took a cruise and watched the whales off the Alaskan coast. He voted for his son-in- law for vice president of the United States. And he was there to bury his oldest grandson—my firstborn. But he was also there to hold four more grandchildren—Ty and Louis and Emma Claire and Jack—and even two great-grandchildren— Anna and Zachary—who were born after his stroke. In the end, he was surrounded by family—his wife of nearly sixty years, his children and grandchildren, his sister and her children—when finally, of his own will, he quit fighting and let go.

There were times in the eighteen years more that he lived when he wanted to give up, when he didn’t want to keep fighting to drive or to dance or to live. I remember sitting with him once after my son Wade died. We were going through a workbook his rehabilitation therapist had assigned him. I would read; he would answer questions. He got them right at first, and then he started to miss them, a few at first and then all of them. His frustration mounted, and he finally said with awkward resignation that he was a burden he promised himself he would never be and he would just as soon die. I was stunned and angry. I wanted him to live so badly; how could he not want it, too? If you could have Wade back, I asked, but only in your exact condition, no better, would you take him? He raised his head a little, and his deep brown eyes met mine. He nodded. Then you understand how we feel. We know it is not perfect, but nothing really ever is. I reached for his hand and told him you are here, and that is what I want. And, I added, if you think this is getting you out of finishing this assignment, you are wrong. He opened his mouth. It was not the wide smile I remembered, but the gap between his two front teeth showed, and that was smile enough for me.

There is nothing about resilience that I can say that my father did not first utter silently in eighteen years of living inside a two-dimensional cutout of himself. From the first moment when he forced open his eyes to tell me that he was alive, through all the setbacks of a body on which he had relied that subsequently failed him little by little, he held on to whatever he had, however meager it was. He managed somehow to turn whatever he held on to into precisely what he needed to survive. When in the first year he had the audacity to tell the rehabilitation counselor that he wanted to drive, or when in the eighth year he danced with my mother, or when in year sixteen he unabashedly flirted with the aide at the assisted-living center, he was saying to the world what he said to me in 1990: I understand that it will not be all I crave, but I want to live. And so he did. When he could no longer drive himself, he wanted to walk. When he could no longer walk himself, he wanted a wheelchair that he could manage himself. He kept narrowing his life and his expectations to what he had left, and in doing so—no matter how small his world—he always reflected the sheer majesty of living. Too many times I have had to use my father’s strength—or my mother’s grace as she stood beside him—as a touchstone. I suspect we each have someone like him, someone whose personal courage in the face of impossible odds inspires us to do something we thought we could not do, who reminds us that what seems like a mountain in front of us can in fact be climbed. My father was an imperfect man in many ways, but maybe it was better that he was imperfect and that I knew he was, for I learned that perfection was not a requirement of resilience. This was Dad, and if he could decide to live, so could I.

If one reads the book, as I have, one will discover that only a small part of it is about John's indiscretion. It is really about how Elizabeth is bouncing back and fighting the dragons in her life. She also remains positive, hence "the gifts" she sees from her family and others' life experiences.

Teaser for Tonight's LKL Interview of Elizabeth Edwards

I look forward to seeing the rest of the interview and hearing Elizabeth's responses to the questions that viewers could submit ahead of time. I wished I had asked what the name of her store is as she doesn't disclose it in her book. I think I may know, but not completely certain. I do know the registered name of her company, however. I found it online.

Update: for anyone who prefers to read the transcript, CNN has it online now. It helps correct some timeline presumptions I made the other day. Turns out John told Elizabeth after the Chapel Hill event in 2006.

Update: CNN picked up BW's post. http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/05/12/lkl.edwards.transcript/index.html

Elizabeth Edwards' Media Appearances

BW readers will note that I have added a link to Elizabeth's media appearances on the sidebar. She will be on Larry King Live tonight.

In case you missed the interview on the Today show, here's the link.

(h/t to Amy Goodale)

If you have not read the book Resilience, please do buy a copy. It is a short tome, but I think you will find yourself in her shoes or at least encouraged to think about the sad times in your families' lives, and how you rebounded in different ways. Reading it will also help you understand the context when EE is being interviewed.

Here's the LAT's review of the book.

Elizabeth Edwards Claims Her Spotlight

As most anyone knows, the interview on Oprah's show of EE and JRE was aired this afternoon.

Having seen the interview this evening, I was able to step back a bit, and at the same time, feel some affection for the couple. The story about Emma Claire pointing out from a book that romaine lettuce was good for those who had cancer tugged at my heart strings.

However, I want to point out with some problems in the edits. The timeline of the affair is not linear. There are two instances of when the "grocery store papers" (EE's words for tabloids) found out, October 2007, and then again in July 2008. Winfrey mentions both, but in the first instance, she uses footage of Edwards' denial from July 2008 in response to the October 2007 stories. The main discussion of the affair is placed on when Edwards was forced to admit his mistake publicly. That was July 2008, 7 months after he had dropped out of the race. That was omitted in the segment. Constantly, Elizabeth is having to explain what she understood and when, and I think the lack of a structured timeframe by Winfrey and her producers is what is causing the confusion for both Elizabeth and for the viewer.

Here is the timeline as I know it:

The affair happened sometime in 2006. My guess is not too far from summer as a contract was signed for videography of John's travels for antipoverty causes and for international travel.

John ends the affair sometime in December, with the videographer's last day being December 30th. John did not wish the videographer to accompany him on the campaign tour, but a friend still saw to it that she was with them and did not want to let go ( p 177 from Resilience). ---Point though, he still was very friendly with her for someone who didn't want her around--

John tells Elizabeth what happened on the 30th. She agrees the campaign has to continue despite her fears, and the rally took place in North Carolina, as planned.

Elizabeth's cancer returns in late March 2007. Although the Edwardses could have stopped the campaign, Elizabeth wants to press on, thinking this is one fling. (my own edit, perhaps she thought many politicians are accused of flings and often dismiss them)

National Enquirer and other gossip tabloids pick up the story in late summer, early fall. Denials are issued, including that of the videographer, who is pregnant.

January 2008, Edwards campaign comes in second in Iowa, third in NH, third in NV, and third in SC. With almost no money left, he has little choice but to suspend the campaign on January 30th.

Late February 2008, the videographer's baby is born.

March 2008, John is on the Jay Leno show, but is spotted staying at the Beverly Hilton. Is it coincidental it was the videographer's birthday?

July 2008, John gets caught by photographers, who were obviously tipped that Edwards was to be visiting the hotel. First, there are denials.

Elizabeth learns more of the truth that John has been more involved than he first let on.

Early August 2008, John admits the affair on ABC's Nightline.

Elizabeth's speaking engagement at the DNC Convention is cancelled.

Elizabeth opens a furniture store in Chapel Hill during the fall.

April 2009, John is contacted by the feds about possible misuse of funds from his PAC and his campaign.

And the rest is drama.


Now, here's what I think about it, fresh impressions.


Unlike Taylor Marsh, I don’t believe it’s not a sordid mess though. The other woman will have to do a paternity test if she indeed insists her daughter is John’s. As Henry Bloget at HuffPo pointed out, she risks her reputation and lots of money if the DNA isn’t John Reid Edwards’ child.

Regarding the allegation of misappropriated funds, the payment money is a result of late filings for the PAC, and one issue that can be resolved, just as the $400 consultant’s style was an error in filing. If it isn’t, then he pays a fine. So what, he has money in the bank.

And the last sentence is probably more important.

The other woman isn't anywhere in their league, and Elizabeth made that clear, but politely, saying that none of her friends "were like her." She is totally different in how she behaves and not of the same kind of family life as they know and built it.

It’s my gut that Elizabeth isn’t interested in John’s political career or desire for any kind of appointed public service at all anymore. She’s already sacrificed enough. She's got her own business, and John helps her with it, along with other projects.

It will be up to John as to whether or not he wishes to apologize to staffers and supporters for these kinds of risks, especially as one presumes that more went on in the affair beyond 2006. Moi, I don’t need an apology because his message, more than him or Elizabeth as people, struck a deep chord with me. I think he did believe that it was more important to honor work over wealth. It was populist theme, and I think in their hearts politically, it was sincere. John certainly remembered what it was like to be from humble means.

Since it’s over (his campaigning for anything), they can retreat, and they aren’t like me or my late momma. It’s a different level that I understand. Sort of I wish many of us had that kind of extancy because they can financially; however, that’s why Oprah gets the interview as she is in their same boat. And that’s OK.

To me, there isn’t much of story now, despite what many hope for in smelling blood in the political waters. It is now a story that women (especially someone like Mrs. Spitzer or Hollywood types) of Elizabeth Edwards’ stature can learn from when this happens to them. Maybe women who are middle class can learn to not to let infidelity redefine them except in a positive way. I'm hoping Elizabeth will address that in her book readings and articles to come.

And I hope Elizabeth will push as part of the health reform agenda the need for family counseling services.

Elizabeth is very much like Eleanor Roosevelt. She has found her own spotlight.

Resilience is On Order

Elizabeth Edwards' forthcoming book, Resilience, is on order, I've noticed, at several libraries. I too will be buying it, but more likely as an e-book, if it becomes available via Amazon or Sony's e-bookstore since I have e-book readers now.

According to Broadway Books' publisher notes:

She's one of the most beloved political figures in the country, and on the surface, seems to have led a charmed life. In many ways, she has. Beautiful family. Thriving career. Supportive friendship. Loving marriage. But she's no stranger to adversity. Many know of the strength she had shown after her son, Wade, was killed in a freak car accident when he was only sixteen years old. She would exhibit this remarkable grace and courage again when the very private matter of her husband's infidelity became public fodder. And her own life has been on the line. Days before the 2004 presidential election--when her husband John was running for vice president--she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After rounds of surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation the cancer went away--only to reoccur in 2007.

While on the campaign trail, Elizabeth met many others who have had to contend with serious adversity in their lives, and in "Resilience," she draws on their experiences as well as her own, crafting an unsentimental and ultimately inspirational meditation on the gifts we can find among life's biggest challenges. This short, powerful, pocket-sized inspirational book makes an ideal gift for anyone dealing with difficulties in their life, who can find peace in knowing they are not alone, and promise that things can get better."

Resilence is out on May 12th. Look for her on Oprah's show on May 11th and Larry King Live on May 12th.

If I hear of any EE personal appearances and locations, I'll pass those along as well.

Update: Interview on Carolina Live: http://www.carolinalive.com/news/video.aspx?id=274404

(h/t NCDem Amy)